Do you have siblings? If so, what are your relationships with them like? How much do you think they have influenced you — your personality, interests, beliefs and behavior?
In the Times Magazine article “The Surprising Ways That Siblings Shape Our Lives,” Susan Dominus writes about the profound impact brothers and sisters have on one another. She begins with a story about why as a teenager, at the strong urging of her older brother, she chose working on a high school newspaper over playing piano:
When I was 14, I spent most of my free time doing two things that I loved: I ran a lot, and I played a lot of piano, even though by high school it was clear I’d never really excel at either. Once, as a friend and I did the customary prerace walk of a cross-country course, we were so involved in conversation that we realized we were late only when we heard, in the far distance, the bang of the starting gun. And when my piano teacher tried to explain what I was doing wrong, she sometimes imitated my playing in a way that made clear I was not destined for Juilliard.
That year, my freshman year of high school, my brother, who is six years older, came home from college for Thanksgiving break and informed me that he thought I should join the high school newspaper. There was no newspaper, I told him; at some point, it disbanded from lack of interest. I can still picture my brother in the doorway of my bedroom: I longed to return to whatever I was reading (“A Tree Grows in Brooklyn”? “The Clan of the Cave Bear”?), but he stood there for what felt like an eternity, lecturing me about the decline of democracy without a free press, and the apathy of my classmates; the high school had to have a newspaper, and if no one else was going to revive it, he insisted, then I must.
I can only imagine how I would have responded had my parents given the same lecture: probably not at all. Like most teenagers, I was somewhat developmentally programmed to reject whatever they felt most eager to impress on me. But also — they didn’t suggest it. They didn’t have particularly strong feelings about our high school newspaper or whether we should have one, and maybe they didn’t know me the way my brother knew me. Parents, I sometimes think, forever see their children as fixed, essentially unchanged from who they were when they first entered the world — as, say, a fussy baby or overeager toddler. I was the youngest of three, passive, a watcher more than a doer, someone who had to learn to talk fast because if I didn’t, I’d never get a word in edgewise at dinner. Siblings see one another out in the wild, how they interact with other children; siblings are spies, forever sizing up the competition, sometimes threatened, but just as often proud.
I did not want to face another lecture when my brother next came home. I valued not just his opinion but also his high opinion of me — and he thought I was someone who could start a high school newspaper. And so, to my surprise, I did. It didn’t win awards or break any news (I seem to remember a lot of editorials about student apathy). But as soon as I sat down with the first assignments that came trickling in, I knew I was in the right place. When my piano teacher told me I needed to drop my other extracurricular activities and focus on piano or find another teacher (subtext for: What is the point of all this mediocrity, really?), I didn’t think twice — the newspaper was my priority. My brother had all but bullied me into finding a vocation in journalism: He knew my environment, he knew what high school was supposed to be like and he knew me.
She writes:
Anyone raising more than one child, Damour says, or who has a sibling, intuitively knows that sibling relationships play a powerful role in affecting who we become. “If parents are the fixed stars in the child’s universe, the vaguely understood, distant but constant celestial spheres, siblings are the dazzling, sometimes scorching comets nearby,” wrote Alison Gopnik, a developmental psychologist, in a review of a book about siblings in 2011.
Students, read the entire article and then tell us:
Do you have siblings? If so, what is your relationship with them like? Are you close? Competitive? Do you share friends, hobbies and values? Or do you sometimes feel like you are from different families? How much have your relationships and bonds changed over time?
How have your siblings shaped who you are? How have your brothers and sisters influenced your personality, interests, beliefs and behavior? Are there any particular siblings who have affected your choices and life trajectory most, the way Ms. Dominus’s older brother has?
If you are an only child, which family members have influenced you the most, and how? How has not having a sibling shaped who you are? How might your life be different if you had one?
What’s your reaction to Ms. Dominus’s article? How much resonates with your own experiences with any siblings? Which lines, details or anecdotes stand out? Does reading the piece change your understanding of siblings and your own complex and likely ever-changing connection to them?
Ms. Dominus begins her piece with the story of her childhood experience switching from playing piano to starting a high school newspaper after an insistent plea from her older brother. Reflecting on it many years later she writes, “I can only imagine how I would have responded had my parents given the same lecture: probably not at all. Like most teenagers, I was somewhat developmentally programmed to reject whatever they felt most eager to impress on me.” Does her story ring true for you? In what ways has the influence of your siblings been different from that of your parents?
The article concludes, “We can’t choose our families, but we can choose the stories we tell ourselves about them.” Do you agree? What story will you tell about your siblings when you are older? What would you say is the greatest gift your siblings have given you? What do you think you have given them?
Students 13 and older in the United States and Britain, and 16 and older elsewhere, are invited to comment. All comments are moderated by the Learning Network staff, but please keep in mind that once your comment is accepted, it will be made public and may appear in print.
Find more Student Opinion questions here. Teachers, check out this guide to learn how you can incorporate these prompts into your classroom.
