Not every teacher knows how to get their class to line up, and that’s OK! Between squirrelly children and numerous distractions, lining them up can be a feat. But don’t worry—we’ve got your game plan right here.
- Say, “OK, cats and kittens! It’s time to line up for the library.”
- Watch as all but four of your students start crawling on the floor and meowing.
- Say, “Ah. Wrong choice of words. Human students! Please line up for the library.”
- Say, “Jasmine, please stop cleaning Ava’s ears with your paw.”
- Say, loudly, “WE ARE DONE BEING CATS.”
- Say, “Yes, Wyatt,” since Wyatt is raising his hand.
- Thank Wyatt for sharing that his cousin adopted a cat last month.
- Have a brief side consultation with Jackson, this week’s line leader, who’d like to renegotiate his Line Leader contract as this Friday is early dismissal, thus curtailing his Line Leader net worth.
- Observe that several students are gathered by the window, chattering excitedly.
- Say, “We’re lining up for the library.”
- Observe that none of the window students turn around.
- Watch as the rest of your line disintegrates to check out what the window students are looking at.
- Sigh.
- Go over to the window yourself and gasp.
- Assure students that it’s a fake snake outside eating a fake mouse.
- Go over to the class phone and whisper to Denise at the front office that there is a s-n-a-k-e swallowing a m-o-u-s-e outside your classroom window and ask if someone can remove it.
- Thank Jacob for announcing to the class exactly what you whisper-spelled into the phone.
- Say, “OK, let’s try this again. Everyone line up for the library!”
- Inwardly pat yourself on the back as you watch your class line up.
- Count to make sure you have all 27 students. You only have 26.
- Count again. 26.
- Ask the class, “Who are we missing?”
- Close your eyes and breathe through your nose when at least four students say, “I’m not here!”
- Tie Caleb’s shoe upon request and wonder why Caleb’s mom doesn’t send him in Velcro shoes.
- Realize the missing student is Charlotte. Charlotte, a known runner and miscreant.
- Poke your head out into the hall to see if you see Charlotte.
- Panic.
- Call Denise at the front office again and say, “No, no. This isn’t about the mouse. One of my students must have run off and I can’t find her. Charlotte. Yes, the one the PE teacher chased a full block down the road last year. Thanks.”
- Ask your partner teacher if she can listen in on your class while you go look for Charlotte.
- Before you leave, note that most of the class has returned to the window to watch snake lunch.
- Check the bathrooms.
- Check the cafeteria.
- Check the playground.
- Go back to the classroom to check on your class and partner teacher.
- Try not to cry when a student says, “Charlotte’s mom picked her up to go to the dentist earlier. Remember?”
- Thank and dismiss your partner teacher.
- Answer your ringing classroom phone.
- Explain to the librarian that, yes, you are still coming today.
- Say, a little snappier than you intended, “EVERYONE LINE UP!!!”
- Just as you’re about to leave, unleash a blood-curdling scream upon looking up and seeing a dark figure outside your classroom window.
- You laugh, a little too maniacally, realizing it’s the school groundskeeper re-homing the snake. You’ve lost your line again.
- Give up and join the entire class at the window.
- As you all crowd around the window watching the removal of the fattened snake, think to yourself, “This is nice. We’re bonding.”
- After the groundskeeper has left with his snake bucket, say, “OK. Last one to get in line AND the first person to talk BOTH have purple earwax! Ready, go!”
- Marvel at your ingenuity.
(Can you tell that I only taught at the elementary level for a year?)
