Have your parents ever lied to you?
Let’s be real, all people — and parents are people after all — lie. But have they ever purposely lied to you to shield you from difficult news?
If so, are you grateful that your parents acted to reassure and protect you? Or do you wish they had just been completely honest?
In the guest essay “There’s One Lie I Will Never Tell My Children,” Allison Sweet Grant writes about how her childhood experiences with surgery and chronic pain inform her belief in telling the truth to her own children:
Parents who claim to never lie to their children are liars. It begins with Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Then it’s, “Yes, all kindergartners go to bed at 7 o’clock” and “No, the chickens on the farm and the chicken on your plate are not the same kind of chicken.” Most of these untruths are harmless — white lies, we call them. But there are some lies we tell as parents, however well intentioned, that do more harm than good.
I learned that lesson the hard way.
When I was 11, I underwent a complex procedure to correct a discrepancy in the length of my legs. Surgeons spent 13 hours drilling through my bones and attaching an external metal frame from my hip to my toe. It took them the next two years to stretch my leg three inches. The pain was so severe that morphine, other opioids, Valium and muscle relaxants were all standard protocol. Yet, before the surgery, when I asked if it would hurt, the only thing I remember being told was “Don’t worry, we have ways to manage any unpleasantness.” The difference between what I was told and what I experienced shattered my faith in doctors and left me questioning whether I could trust adults at all. Now, as a parent — and through my years working in health care — I’ve made the conscious decision never to lie to people about pain. Even with something as small as a routine vaccination, even before they see the needle coming toward them. Yes, I say, it may hurt.
Many parents opt instead to reassure their children. Since they can’t stop the needle from hurting, they believe the next best thing is to offer comfort. But when the pain does inevitably come, it’s accompanied by a heaping side of betrayal. Lies that mislead children about their experiences are not white lies. Though they may appear innocuous, they erode the fabric of the fundamental and necessary trust between parent and child. They create an emotional wound not easily healed. The pain of discovering you have been deceived by a trusted adult can cut deeper and last longer than the pain of an unavoidable medical intervention.
Ms. Grant addresses why many parents choose to reassure their children rather than tell them possibly painful truths:
So why do parents and providers get this wrong? Most of the time it’s out of benevolence, not bad blood. Parents are myopic; they’re trying to make their kids feel better in the moment without considering how lying to them will affect them in the future. They may fall victim to wishful thinking. Maybe it won’t be as bad as I think it will be. They’re trying to make themselves feel better because it doesn’t just hurt to see your child in pain; it hurts to feel responsible for it, too.
Another explanation for this type of deception is that parents and providers often underestimate the resilience of children. We spend so much time trying to protect our kids that we often see them as more fragile than they really are. The truth is that they can handle more than we realize.
Students, read the entire article and then tell us:
Do you relate to anything Ms. Grant writes in the essay? If so, what?
Have your parents ever purposely lied to you? If so, do you think they did the right thing? Or did you wish that they had been completely honest with you?
Should parents ever lie to protect their children’s feelings? Or, as Ms. Grant writes, do these deceptions, no matter how small, “erode the fabric of the fundamental and necessary trust between parent and child?” Is she right that some lies parents tell, however well intentioned, do more harm than good?
Ms. Grant contends that one reason parents hide the truth is because they see their children as “more fragile than they really are.” Does that ring true? Do parents underestimate the resilience of children?
Do you wish your parents would be more open and honest with you? Why or why not? If you have your own children one day, do you think you will strive to be completely candid with them or not?
Students 13 and older in the United States and Britain, and 16 and older elsewhere, are invited to comment. All comments are moderated by the Learning Network staff, but please keep in mind that once your comment is accepted, it will be made public and may appear in print.
Find more Student Opinion questions here. Teachers, check out this guide to learn how you can incorporate these prompts into your classroom.
